My Trainer Tried to Kill Me Today! aka Getting my Beyonce Back!

You know how you look at old pictures and see an unrecognizable sexy person and realize oh snap-that’s me?! Well that’s what’s been happening to me lately. I was never cut and unfortunately the cheerleaders at my highschool were not athelets…there I said it (forget you Rev)! We were more pom-pom girls rather then these crazy squads who did straight gymnastics, in fact I used to call myself a Nirvana cheerleader since I was so NOT the happy-go-lucky type in highschool. By the way I have revisted that epic Nevermind cd recently and it is timeless, still love it! But yeah, so although I was ever super-cut I was quite the slim jim and was quite blessed to still have some T&A, which leads me to my trainer tried to kill me today while I was working on ‘getting my Beyonce back’. I coined that term some years back when I could still rock a backless shirt with my jeans and you could see where my lower back led to the beginning curve of my ass (not my crack people) in my jeans and it  looked good, yep! I want that shit back stat which leads me back to my trianer aka ‘fitness coach’  Brandon. He’s on loan to me for another 4 weeks.  Let’s put this in perspective, Brandon is trying to help me because I said I wanted to be helped but every Monday and Wednesday he provides the most grueling sweaty 30 minutes of my day. I mean he had me and another woman doing mad push-ups, shoulder presses, sprints, lunges and all manner of craziness then said ‘let’s go’ and took us over to the dreaded rowing machines where I was horrified to learn he wanted me to go 1500 meters (I think) in 7 minutes…well ladies and gents I did the 1500 but in under 10 minutes; my calves and whatever the back thigh muscle is were both burning!

For those of you who know me personally you are aware that I’ve been a sedentary couch potato blithely eating badly without a care in the world for years until I went to the lady doctor last month and weighed in at an awkward 210. Let that number simmer for a minute, might not be a big deal if you are tall and big-boned but I’ma tell you this most people who say they’re big-boned are on some kryptonite better known as denial. I’m a mere 5’4’’ and I’m not big-boned so there you have it, I seriously need to dump a few pounds. When talking to my doctor about my need to lose weight she asked me how often I drink, we then proceeded to have a non-verbal stand-off, imagine a Clint Eastwood movie of the 80s, close-up to the eyes staring some hapless imbecile down, that was my doctor to me when I tried to salvage my love for a glass of wine a night. I actually really like my doctor but in that moment I felt a little betrayed. In all seriousness my doctor says I have high cholesterol which is partially genetic and personal choices; due to the rampant heart disease in my family my doc is not cool with me living with total abandon…not to mention I’m creeping up on 40…which oddly enough I’m kind of excited about.  Flash forward circa the past couple of weeks.

Three weeks ago I had the tiniest little thought,  ‘I wonder when the next fitness challenge is’; the very next day a ‘last call’ email was sent to all the employees in my office asking if anyone else wanted to join the corporate fitness challenge scheduled to begin the day after the Labor Day holiday. I signed up before my typical litany of reasons why I can’t do something flooded my brain. To be perfectly honest I had anxiety leading up to day one about the dumbest stuff: what to wear (should I invest in new workout clothes), would other people be more fit, would my newfound (circa my mid-30s) excessive sweat make people look at me funny? I mean really, I didn’t buy new workout clothes and noooo, nobody has batted a dayum eyelash because I’m the only one thinking about that foolishness. Of course there are people participating in this challenge who look fit but they see ways they can improve themselves even if they’re aiming for more endurance. As for the excessive sweating, when I’m working out I don’t care about that…now when I’m trying to get dressed on a humid day after a shower and I start sweating while lotioning up, that is massively irritating! But I digress. So I joined the challenge and as of today am in week 3. I’ve learned a lot over the past few weeks: proper nutrition-no diets, no processed foods, a funnily enough no Crystal Lite or fake sugar things, and if you’re doing protein shakes and you’re not a body-builder it should be for an occasional meal supplement; proper squats-act like you’re sitting down in a chair except there’s no chair; consistency-do some kind of cardio activity 5 days a week and fold in that weight training every other day and the most import one-don’t be a freak about counting calories and worship Fitness Pal like it’s the 2nd coming of Christ. Look Fitness Pal, was recommended by MK and the motion was seconded by Shawna (what up ladies!) and since utilizing it (this is pre-fitness challenge) I lost 4 lbs because that app made it easy for me to see the value or lack thereof of some of the mindless stuff I was putting in my body: chips, soda, and candy. So I’m not gonna diss  the app but I’m just sayin, the nutritionist definitely gave some folks the side-eye who kept asking about their caloric intake at the workshop.  So anyhow here I am,  a month before the fitness challenge I weighed in at 210, when I started the fitness challenge 3 weeks ago I was 206, Brandon is trying to weigh us in this week and I’m shook (would almost rather wait until the end). I don’t know how many lbs I’ll lose but in a perfect world I would shed about 40 lbs. I’m not crazy therefore I don’t expect to lose that much weight in 7 weeks (the length of the challenge) but I’m excited to see where I’ll be as far as my flexibility, strength, and endurance. I can tell you how this challenge has changed me right now, I feel better, I don’t visually see a difference but I feel a difference and that is a huge accomplishment for me. Remember the week before last when I wrote about being accused of ‘being negative’ by the boyfriend, well it’s true,  one way I’m helping myself is to participate in this challenge and let me tell you rigorous physical activity is a fantastic way to clear the mind of clutter and focus my energy on something that doesn’t require me to think, so thanks Brandon for trying to kill me today; because of your abuse I’m feeling vigorous, my mind is like the Claritin commercials when the filter is lifted and all is clear, and I can trust I’ll have a gorgeous sleep tonight just like that two-headed monster on Sesame Street.   

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