I had to hustle over to the laundry mat after work today and after doing the arduous work of shoving clothes into the machines I took stock of my surroundings and…well…just read below…
1. Leaving the comforts of home
2. Avoiding ‘hustle man’ tryna sell me questionable DVDs while simultaneously asking for my number which leads me to wondering what on God’s green earth makes him think it’s even possible for me to say yes
3. Looking at the hideous array of pajamas worn at all times of the day. I went to laundry mat after work today; arriving around 5pm, there were several chicks wearing too-tight pajama pants…WTF have you been doing all day that you couldn’t be bothered to even put on, say, sweatpants?!
4. Avoiding the corner pocket crew which today consisted of 2 tall skinny black gentleman, a mid-height peroxide blonde white woman, and the piece de resistance the middle-aged black women who looks like life has literally beat her down into a stooping position, no really she literally never stands up straight, she looks like what the locals call zombies (heron addicts) and unfortunately resembles one of the ‘flying monkeys’ from The Wiz. Together they hold down one little section of the laundry mat, I never see them actually at the washing machines. They watch the too-loud television, drink what appears to be beer in clear plastic cups, go outside to take cigarette breaks and dine on cheap greasy Chinese takeout or today disposable Dinty Moores.
5. Avoiding being hit on by toothless wonders who also ask me for change (see #2)
6. Discovering your quarter only buys 5 minutes of dryer time; I remember when a quarter bought a whole 15 minutes…as I write this I wonder how long ago that was…
7. Fighting off fury when your clothes have been drying for 30 minutes and still have the nerve to be damp! Note: I absolutely positively DO NOT overload dryers, so you can see why I get furious
8. Figuring out what dryers are the ‘don dada’ of the crew aka the ones that dry real good!
9. Washing delicates in a separate load: unlike home washers these public spots have no load settings so I can choose an extra-small load and avoid wasting money and water on the side load washers or risk the top load washers becoming unbalanced because there are too few articles of clothing.
10. 24 hour laundry mat bathroom which I try to avoid but which is sometimes impossible…need I say more?
Reading over this makes me feel like it’s time to step up my life because this is plain unacceptable! I’ve been so negative about the public laundry mat that I feel perhaps sharing something I like about it might make me feel like less of a loser for having to use it, so here goes…I like washing multiple loads at one time and being able to wash rugs and blankets. There you have it…I can’t muster up anything else. For those who are blessed to have an in-house washer and dryer mazel tov! For those who either have to lug their dirties down mad stairs to a basement laundry shared with the building or for those like me who have to lug them to a laundry mat you have my deepest sympathies.
Note: For those who may ask why do you continue to go to this laundry mat, I say to you because it is close by, well-lit and well-manned (you’d be surprised by the plethora of dimly lit seemingly unsupervised laundry mats around Baltimore), is across from the cheap gas station which also sells my orange American Spirits, and there’s a Dunkin Donuts which comes in handy when I want a cup of coffee or my favorite glazed donut. The End.