Today I was back to work, after a weekend filled with cable binging: first the current seasons of Weeds, then Entourage, and Curb Your Enthusiasm, followed by Basketball Wives (once the boyfriend left the house, he won’t tolerate this show), and the first 2 episodes of the final season of Sopranos, which I never got to see although I heard about the much ballyhooed finale. In short, I was happy; enter Monday. The day starts off with my being late because I was so beat when I went to bed last night (who knew watching tv was so draining), that I forgot to put my phone (aka alarm) next to me, soooo this morning when it went off at 6:15, I never heard it. Thanks to my inner clock and a brighter light than I’m used to seeing at 6:30 a.m. I woke up without the aid of the alarm clock. Now all of this would have been admirable had the clock not read 7:30am, which is about the time I’m putting on my shoes and hitting the door. Top this off with the fact that I can’t find my phone and I’m starting to freak out; this is an important detail, having an iPhone or any kind of ‘smart’ phone changes your life, the addiction is real people! Anyway I roll out of the house, head to work and am 20 minutes late…of course I didn’t want to start off my week being late, but that’s just the beginning.
I get to work and have a ‘busy enough to keep me occupied’ kinda day but have to battle several work land mines that have cropped up recently: the smell of human feces wafting down the hall from the individual bathrooms across from my cubicle rows and dodging the unsolicited advice or rhetoric of people whom you are being work-friendly with but who impose far too much on your individual time. Let’s deal with the bathroom drama first. Men and women who ‘drop it like it’s hot‘ in these bathrooms need to remember their fellow man. We all know what it feels like when the urge to go is so overwhelming that you can’t help but do your biz at work, shoot I’m not immune but here are some tips to follow:
· Absolutely do not drop a deuce in one of the individual bathrooms and then leave the door open to ‘air it out’. Note: It airs out…right down the neighboring aisles. Not a good look son!
· Take some damn matches in there with you…yeah we’re not supposed to light things on fire in the building, however, in this case, I think all and sundry would greatly appreciate a few struck matches to cut the air pollution.
· LOOK behind yourself after you flush; if that joint hasn’t disappeared you betta flush again, because you can’t kill that funk if you’ve gotta floater.
· Finally, and this is more for your own protection, don’t look both ways when you exit one of these bathrooms, that’s the surest sign that you just ‘peeled the wallpaper’-I borrowed that J.
Now, for avoiding unsolicited rhetoric from people with an amazing amount of gall… I’m still working on that one. I’ve been approached within the past 2 weeks for the following things: life coaching and religious conversion. A co-worker who does the same work as me-on the same ‘level’ as me, offered me a ‘free’ life-coaching session…let that sink in…ok, there are more personal details that made this extremely uncomfortable but why would you look to the person in the trenches with you, doing the exact same work and want to be coached by them? Let’s be honest, do I really want to seek advice from someone who’s taking certification classes to be a life coach, with no demonstrated life successes? I’m just sayin’. Next up is our proselytizing co-worker, a perfectly nice-seeming individual who after a few conversations and imagined intimacy thrusts some ‘literature’ into your hands. You glance over it quickly, noting that there seems to be a lot of ‘us against them, racial mentality’ and you realize this person has you all wrong, now what?
- Instead of taking the paperwork (like I did), and studying the website (like I did), you should simply follow the gut instinct you had about the person in the first place and just be honest…
- To clarify, just being honest, does not mean being totally insensitive and saying what the devil on your shoulder suggests: “I think this ‘religion’ is crazy and I’ll take my Catholicism any day over a made-up religious off-shoot shrouded in black nationalism with a website littered with misspellings most notably the non-word ‘shrimps’-which incidentally is one of the diet restrictions. Rather, I was coached by a friend to approach this uber-delicate scenario by being clear, “Thank you for sharing the information, but I’m not interested…” wait I’m not finished, “…nor do I wish to discuss politics or religion at work (inside voice: unless it’s with my friends or sane people who can have differences of opinion and not get their feelings all twisted).
Let’s see if I can follow some of my own advice tomorrow on day 2 of the work week.